How sloth are you?

Sloths.

Those super-cute, slow-motion heroes of tropical rainforests spend their lives at a leisurely pace to say the least. Most of these small little creatures spend the vast majority of their lives hanging upside down in trees, although some (now extinct) species grew to the size of elephants! Presumably they died out because the branches snapped.

Their sluggishness is their super-power, helping them avoid detection from predatory birds of prey and hunting wildcats. And they wear a camouflage of green algae to help keep them nourished and hidden amongst the undergrowth.

So, how similar are you to these super-zen creatures? Do you get wound up like a domestic cat or are you content to chomp on leaves and develop an ecosystem in your coat?

Let's find out!

By Mike Heath Issue with this quiz?

Qusetion: 1 of 30

How many times do you try to do something before giving up?

I never give up.

I'll try a LOT. Then, if I continue to fail, I'll consider a new way of doing it.

Once. Why waste my time continually failing?

Why even try if there's a chance of failure?

Qusetion: 2 of 30

Your neighbour asks if you can take a delivery while they're out. What do you say?

No problemo!

Abso-goddam-lutely. They're hot AF and might agree to go on a date with me!

Do I have to do anything?

Tell them you've moved out.

Qusetion: 3 of 30

How long does it take you to get bored?

I get bored almost immediately. Then, I'm onto the next thing.

Couple hours?

I'm pretty focused. I don't really get bored.

I'm already bored!!!

Qusetion: 4 of 30

What would you say is your most attractive feature?

My brain.

My body.

My eyes.

My yawn.

Qusetion: 5 of 30

How do you woo a potential partner?

I write a project plan of ways I can woo them.

I'll send them a present.

I'll wait for them to ask.

I can't be bothered with dating. Too much hassle.

Qusetion: 6 of 30

How many times have you competed in a Park Run?

Every goddamn weekend!!

Once or twice a year.

I've thought about doing one.

Why would I want to run around the park on a Sunday morning!!!?

Qusetion: 7 of 30

Which superhero would you be?

Super Man

Batman

Deadpool

Snailman.

Qusetion: 8 of 30

How would you define your perfect day?

Get up early, go for a morning jog, healthy breakfast, work from home. Then, a large dinner before early bed.

Get up about 9, have a leisurely breakfast, read the papers, and think about what I'm going to do for the day.

Out of bed around 10, jump straight into brunch, then a little work, before chilling out for the evening, binge-watching a series.

Get up about 5, watch Netflix, then go to bed. Bliss.

Qusetion: 9 of 30

How would other people describe you?

Charming. Witty. Full of energy and great ideas for hikes in the hills.

Funny. A little zany maybe. Always up for a night out.

Likes a good book. Enjoys evenings by the fire.

Silent.

Qusetion: 10 of 30

You've got a 9am meeting. What's your attitude to getting there on time.

I get there early.

I get there on time.

I'll buzz them if I'm running late.

For God's sake. Can't we meet on Zoom?

Qusetion: 11 of 30

What's your favorite tipple?

I don't really drink. It dulls the senses.

Good old-fashioned beer.

A craft beer.

Morphine.

Qusetion: 12 of 30

You love tacos. You love cheese. You adore jalapenos. How do you eat them?

Tacos in a baking tray, sprinkle a selection of grated cheeses, grill till gooey and delicious. Sprinkle over with Al Pacinos.

Shove tacos and cheese slices in the microwave. A minute later, it's the movie food of kings.

Get my mom to make it for me.

I'll just eat the cheese from the block.

Qusetion: 13 of 30

How did you do at school?

Brilliantly. I was the top performing student of my year.

Fine. I got As and Bs.

OK. I didn't much care for school.

I didn't really go to school as such....?

Qusetion: 14 of 30

What's your ideal pet.

A dog. I love taking them out for walks.

A cat. They're self-sufficient.

A hamster. They're super-cute but don't take up much of my time.

A snail. I can eat them once I'm bored of them.

Qusetion: 15 of 30

When are you at your best?

In the mornings.

By about midday.

5pm. When it's time to finish work.

In the wee small hours. I mean, I'll be asleep, but I assume I'm at my best.

Qusetion: 16 of 30

Would you give someone your last Rolo?

If I liked them enough.

If I wanted something from them. Like sex.

No way.

Only if I had another packet.

Qusetion: 17 of 30

What's your favorite food?

Watermelon.

Tuna steak, grilled. Big, chunky fries. Glass of red. Yum!

Burger, fries, soda, hot apple pie!

Sandwiches.

Qusetion: 18 of 30

What hour of the morning do you get of bed?

05:00:00

07:00:00

09:00:00

Morning?

Qusetion: 19 of 30

What is your ideal Friday night activity?

Head out to a bar at 7. Drinks till 10, then out to a club till 4am.

A couple of drinks with good pals at the local bar. In by midnight.

Netflix and chill. Hopefully with someone else.

Nachos, tacos, garlic bread, pizza, and a bag of M&Ms in front of the TV.

Qusetion: 20 of 30

What is your superpower?

Efficiency.

Friendliness.

My chilled out nature.

Stillness and invisibility.

Qusetion: 21 of 30

Which of the seven deadly sins define you?

Lust.

Wrath

Sloth

Greed.

Qusetion: 22 of 30

What do you listen to first thing in the morning?

Techno, power-pop, or hi-energy EDM.

A bit of funky EDM.

A little country & western?

Leonard Cohen.

Qusetion: 23 of 30

What's your first task of the day?

Make the bed. It's simple, quick, and a sign of focus for the day.

Read the news. You never know what's out to get you!

Eat.

Press the Snooze button.

Qusetion: 24 of 30

Your family is visiting and your home is a MESS!! What do you do?

My house is NEVER a mess, thank you!

Clean up.

Look at the pile of crap on the floor and book in some time later to tidy.

Hire a cleaner.

Qusetion: 25 of 30

What did your teachers say about you in your final report card at school?

Will go far.

Great with people. Hard working.

Needs focus.

Who was this again?

Qusetion: 26 of 30

It's your mom's birthday. What gift do you get her?

I'll try and get a few hints before the day, then buy something she really wants.

Try and remember what you got her last year. And buy her the same thing. She liked that.

Pick something from the 24-hour service station on your way to visit.

An Amazon voucher.

Qusetion: 27 of 30

What's your favorite part of making a cake?

Writing the shopping list for the ingredients.

I love the mixing.

I love the smell of the baking.

The eating. Of course.

Qusetion: 28 of 30

What was your favorite subject at school?

Math.

Sciences.

English.

I was more of a thinker than a specific subject do-er.

Qusetion: 29 of 30

You drop a $10 bill on the floor. What do you do?

Pick the goddam $10 up from the floor. Do you think I'm made of money?

Ask your bestie to reach it for you.

Lean over to reach it. If you get it, you get it.

Gee. You look swell. Leave it for someone else to pick up. They might need it more than you!

Qusetion: 30 of 30

Your partner has bought you ticket to go see your favorite band. What do you say?

Woah! I love you, babe.

Thanks, but let's miss the support band.

Oh wow. That's really cool. I've got something booked, though. You go.

Facetime me from the concert, and I'll watch it from the sofa.

End Quiz & See Results

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Mike Heath

Mike has an MA in Creative Writing and is a full-time copywriter, yoga teacher, and playwright. His copywriting has taken him to dizzy heights: writing in every conceivable niche from facts about carpet slippers to portents about artificial intelligence and how to overcome plantar fasciitis (look it up) to fabulous home decor. Mike is a UK-based playwright whose work has been performed all around the world (as long as you count the UK and Western Australia). His work is available on Amazon, and you can listen to his podcast where he talks about playwriting with his sarcastic co-presenter. He runs the WriteForTheStage courses and you can follow him on @Write4TheStage (Twitter) and @_mike_heath_ on Instagram.